I grew up in Newbury Park. The town is small, and its like cheers where more than likely everybody knows your name. When you are in a town this small people remember you a number of different ways, sometimes it is for something good, and sometimes its bad.
I am not concerned with status, or what I am known for. (I can give you a list of what I am known for but it's not a pretty sight.) I am just concerned for peoples well being.
As kids we try and find ourselves. We sometimes do things we didn't really want to do, or say things we really didn't want to say. One of the pros and cons of living in a small town is that for the most part when you are a child you are around the SAME PEOPLE, sometimes for 12 years. Thats a long time, and in that course of time a lot of things can happen. Maybe someone who you were friends with all through grade school is no longer your friend when you get to high school or vice versa. You love, hate, laugh, fight, and it feels like forever.
One of the things that I have been fairly good at is making fun of someone. You can thank my 5 older brothers for that skill. My parents got divorced when I was one year old, so every other weekend I would visit my dads house, where all 5 brothers dwelled. Now keep in mind, at my moms house in Newbury Park I was an only child. I was king. but when I would visit my dad, I got a reality check. My brothers would make fun and bag on me all the time. Thinking back on it, it was hilarious. They were very creative in their fun making. (which can make it hurt that much more). This was my first comedy inspiration. I had to come up with ways to make fun of them back. Obviously when I was a kid they didn't take what I said back as funny or anything, I was just baby brother attempting to make a joke. But I now know they saw it and now that I am older I can hang with them in this department easily. When I would go back to NP from a weekend at my dads I was fully loaded with an arsenal of jokes and ways to bag on people. And I soon became pretty good at it. My low self esteem really fueled that fire as well.
I went through all of school trying to get laughs. It made me feel good to make someone feel good. However the part of my wit or personality that would seek out something to make fun of sometimes was at someones expense. I never really thought about how it would make them feel, because to me that was normal. Plus I had my own low self esteem to deal with so that clouded any kind of good judgement. Also, look....When people are bullied out of hate, it can go bad really quick, and I can honestly say if I made a joke to someones expense it was just to get a laugh and to selfishly make myself feel better. I didn't hate. If the same people that I made fun of needed help, Id help them. Which is saying alot because I made fun of EVERYONE! I even made fun of someone who years later is now my best friend and my brother and i love him. it didnt matter if you were a "jock" "Stoner" "nerd" "Gay" "smart" any of those "Classes" that make up school when you are younger. I was equal opportunity and I absolutely would never physically harm someone.
What I now realize is that the tiniest of joke made in the past can be remembered. Maybe not specifically, but they will always remember that small moment of when you were an asshole. And if you really are an asshole, then this wont bother you, and you can go on with your life, you know, do what you normally do, put drugs in girls drinks at clubs or bars and have your way with them. BUT, if you really are not one, and you care about people and their well being then this might bother you, and if you are able to, apologize you DICK!
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Now I could be wrong, to think that I have had such an impact on someone is pretty narcissistic, I am aware of that don't worry. ;-) BUT For anyone that reads this, if I ever made fun of you in the past and it hurt you on some level, or if you know someone that I DID make fun of and it hurt them in any way (pass this on to them) Or if you were in a similar situation that has nothing to do with me, and just in general I think this might be a good read.
I am truly sorry from the bottom of my heart. And that is not a joke. In school its hard enough without some asshole joking it up. I want people to be happy, I want this world to be a happy place. Without cares, war and hate. I want all people to be happy. And in the past if I made it even the slightest bit harder for you to be happy, I am sorry.
PS: If it is any consolation I am miserable now, actually for the past 5 years, I live in fear daily and Im a former drug addict. <3
